Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The 'Are You A Good Latte Lefty' Quiz!

Question One
Your friendship group contains (give yourself a point for each) -

a) Someone queer!
b) Someone aboriginal!
c) An asylum seeker!
d) Bob Brown!

Bonus five points if your group contains someone with all of the above characteristics

Question Two
Trees -

a) Huh, good lord! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing! (0 points)
b) Rip rip, woodchip! Turn it into paper! Then write some Liberal propaganda on it! (0 points)
c) Their branches can be used to beat queue jumpers around the head when they land on shore! (0 points)
d) Should be preserved, man. For real. (1 point)
e) Are people too, man. For real. (5 points)

Question Three
Fast forward to the 2007 Federal election. Head to head in the polls are Liberal candidate Andrew Bolt and ALP candidate Eddie McGuire. Who do you vote for?

a) Andrew Bolt (0 points)
b) Eddie McGuire, and it kills you to say that (1 point)
c) Bob Brown. And you scribble his name in with a green, recycled pencil. (5 points)

Question Four
The environment -

a) Tricky to spell - I always forget that 'n'. Because I am quite drug-fucked right now. Mummy? (0 points)
b) Marijuana grows there (1 point)
c) Bob Brown grows there (2 points)
d) is something I am quite the expert on, thanks to the folk-rock stylings of Mr John Butler (10 points)

Question Five
You're in a cafe - what do you order?

a) A carafe filled with the blood of a small child, as is the Liberal way (0 points)
b) A cappuccino (0 points)
c) A mocha (0 points)
d) Some herbal tea (5 points)
e) A latte (15 points)
f) A soy latte (20 points)
g) A soy chai latte (30 points)

Question Six
Who or what is THE MAN?

a) Anthony Mundine (0 points)
b) What my conservative boyfriend insists I call him as he has unprotected sex with my bottom (0 points)
c) Dude, in this day and age, who isn't the man? Big business, government, my bus driver... (1 point)

Question Seven
How often do you care about politics?

a) Poli-what? I just enjoy frothy coffee and joss sticks! (0 points)
b) All the time, man! (1 point)
c) Once every three years, or whenever Michael Moore releases a film (5 points)


RESULTS

40+ Points - YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT LEFTY, BUT REMEMBER - ONE CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS FROM A MINORITY GROUP, OR TOO MANY PROTEST BADGES ON YOUR KNAPSACK!

Less than 40 Points - DISMAL! WHY DON'T YOU JUST BEND OVER AND ASK THE MAN TO JAM A CACTUS INTO YOUR TIGHT LITTLE CONSERVATIVE RACIST RECTUM?

73 Comments:

Blogger thr said...

Day off Jess?
Some serious blogging goin' down right there fo' shizzle.

May 24, 2005 6:26 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

Oddly, no.

These things just flow out of me like diarrhoea. No thought whatsoever! Like you can't tell!

May 24, 2005 7:01 PM  
Blogger la nadine said...

jess, two words:

theme song.

you know what you have to do.

May 24, 2005 7:03 PM  
Blogger Jellyfish said...

Oh god, yes. Theme song. Play that funky music, white girl.*






*although if you were not white, and still wanted to play, that would be totally okay.

May 24, 2005 11:09 PM  
Blogger Glen Fuller said...

mocha = 0?!?!!?!

scandal! ok, just hear me out. i almost made leftiness, please, but i so want to belong to your socially-informed apparachnikalia, please:

1) my fingers get burnt by the glass latte's come in or the bowl of chai and
2) they are too big to fit into the little tea cup holes.
3) therefore, they need freedom to move, so i need a mug. a mug-o-mocha for the freedom of my fingers, please.
4) if i have a little tea cup then a number of my fingers are excluded.
5) if i have a bowl of chai or a latte i experience pain and suffering.
6) hence, my question: how can you be for exclusion or pain and suffering?

oh! the trials of me! i need an all-natural avacado redux and steam facial treatment to calm down, please.

oh! please, i am crying into my authentic tie-died sari wrap. i feel so physiologicaly persecuted for my big graceful fingers.

oh! i think it is latent coffee-snobbery! such a deployment of a bourgie mode of distinction resonates with the right-eousness of the Bolt-Howard-COstello love triangle! scandal!

oh! think of my fingers! please!

to demonstrate my earnest leftiness. idea for the theme song: a version of joey scarbury's "beleieve it or not (i'm walking on air)" by j butler trio. lyrics could be changed to "believe it or not (i'm walking on what has melted into air)" and so on.

May 24, 2005 11:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my. Teh funny. Teh funny indeed.

May 25, 2005 1:35 PM  
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BTW, that anonymous was ME, and that was funny.
Cheers,
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May 25, 2005 1:36 PM  
Blogger Dxxxx said...

Oh my goodness Jess. You. are. hilarious.

Continue.

May 26, 2005 2:00 PM  
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Jesus! You like Stephen Malkmus too!

P.S. Have I mentioned that I once shook the hand of former tennis ace [what a pun, y'all!] Thomas Muster/vice versa at Memorial Drive [Adelaideus] and that he nearly crushed every fucking bone in that hand?

No? It's da troof.

Get me out of the house, damn it!!!!

May 30, 2005 5:18 PM  
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I'm a good lefty, but to improve my image in the community, I've switched to cask chardonnay.

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A soy latte?

You must be dreaming

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jess. you and me, on the floor, screaming. always.
Xx

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If you were on TV, I would actuallly turn mine on.

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